This should come as no surprise to most of you, nor to myself. Even so, I sometimes feel that I was unprepared for the state I’m currently in.
Going on eight weeks now, I have officially been doing nothing, except for job searching. The job hunt is on, although it has not been fruitful yet. I’m still optimistic, but slowly learning that things take time.
Frankly, I’m bored. I’m used to being involved in lots of different things and I enjoy being busy to the point of almost stressed out. Sure, I find ways to spend the days, like church stuff, write music, read books, write applications, clean the apartment, sleep in, whatever. But all too often I find myself with several hours on my hands, and nothing waiting for me to do. Laziness slowly gains momentum.
I begin to lose faith in myself. Sure, I’m melancholic and sensitive, and like to analyse myself (sic!). But usually I’m the strong person. I have my life sorted out. I’m on top of things. I’m in equilibrium. And when I’m not I wear the mask because that’s who I want to be. I miss being involved in loads of different things. Miss being responsible. Miss being busy. Miss feeling indispensable.
God promised me before Christmas that He would sort things out and that I shouldn’t worry about the future. He had a plan for me and I should trust Him to guide me through it. I believe that, but I’m losing my patience. In this matter, my faith is reduced to being academic, not all-encompassing.
It’s almost as if He’s trying to teach me something, and it’s not that difficult to figure out what it is. Only problem is, I seem to be hesitant about learning.